Demyelinated not Destroyed

What is strength?  What is weakness?  I’ve been having to ask myself these questions a lot lately.  Having a disease like CIDP can often challenge long held views and definitions of even the most innocent of words.

For the past week, I’ve been dealing with legs that have decided being weak and unsteady is the way to go.  The balance that I regained after my first dose of IVIg is now gone.  The toes on my right foot are injured from repeatedly stubbing them on the single step that leads up from my family room to my living room.  I’m trying to get up and move around in spite of my weakness and lack of coordination but I feel like I’m walking this tight rope between doing just enough to keep muscle atrophy at bay and overdoing it.  I know if I overdo it that my weakness will just get worse and I definitely don’t want that to happen.

All the while, this weakness in my legs has me thinking about what my future with CIDP could look like.  I don’t like thinking that I might wind up needing a cane or be in a wheelchair at some point in my life.  The cold, hard facts are that I’m 30 years old and I’ve just barely begun my journey with this disease.  I have three beautiful, wonderful children.  I want to dance at each of their weddings. Will I be able to?  Only time will tell.

I hate having to rely on others.  It’s something that I’ve had to increasingly do over the past week because of how my legs have been feeling.  But, I’ve come to realize that there is a strength in asking others for help.  There’s strength in knowing what your limits are and in being able to voice them to others.  I could certainly refuse the help and ultimately fall because of my own weakness.  Or, I could let my loved ones help me and we’d both be stronger for it.   As hard and as humbling as it may be, I’m choosing to let them help me.   I hope that one day, I’ll be able to return the favor.